["D"]

I received my diagnosis just over a week ago, have opted for a double-mastectomy and am not sure what to tell my children, ages 9 & 7 about the surgery. My Mom passed away 8 months ago after a two and a half year battle (her second one) with BC and because my kids know that is what she had I am not sure what to tell them about me. I don't think they can understand or differentiate between stages and cure rates and I don't want to scare them - any suggestions?

[Gloria]

I am so sorry you had to join our site, but welcome. Also extremely sorry about the loss of your mother.

Everyone is different in who they tell about BC and when. I personally told everyone and posted my treatment path on www.caringbridge.org. As for your children, they are going to sense that something is going on, and they will probably fear the worst. Telling them precisely where you are in treatment and prognosis might be better than what they are fearing. But you will have to go with your own feelings on this. My children were grown when I was diagnosed.

There are books out there about talking to children about BC, and hopefully some of the others with younger children will recommend some.

Gloria

[Maya II]

I'm sorry you've had to join us, but welcome. Most of our patients choose to be honest with their small children, but not go into details. As you've said the stats wouldn't mean much to them. They want to know if mum is going to be alright. Telling them you will be sore after surgery, but can hug them gently might be reassuring. Maybe even get them involved with your recovery by bringing you something to eat, things they can do and feel needed. They could even help you exercise your arms to regain your full range of motion. You can tell them there are different kinds of BC, and most women go on to live a full life.

Please come back anytime and ask questions or air your concerns.

[alakat]

I too am so sorry about your diagnosis but I hope you will find the love, comfort and support that you need here. I too think that it's best to be honest but reassuring. Kids have a way of knowing when something's wrong and that may worry them more. At that age they don't need to know all the details but just enough to give them some reassurance that you're not going anywhere anytime soon!
Here's a link that may help!

http://breastcancer....east-Cancer.htm

Hugs,
Kathy

[I wanna grow old]

From 30 July 2010 - 10:29 AM:

I received my diagnosis just over a week ago, have opted for a double-mastectomy and am not sure what to tell my children, ages 9 & 7 about the surgery. My Mom passed away 8 months ago after a two and a half year battle (her second one) with BC and because my kids know that is what she had I am not sure what to tell them about me. I don't think they can understand or differentiate between stages and cure rates and I don't want to scare them - any suggestions?

Hi,

I'm sorry you are here. This is very difficult to see so many newly diagnosed women. I am 38, diagnosed in December 2009. Invasive ductal cancer 8mm, Her2 pos, ER/PR neg. Had 6 cycles of Taxotere/carboplatin/herceptin. Now on herceptin alone for the next 7 months. I had bilateral mastectomies with immediate reconstruction.
I have 3 little girls, 2,5, and 8.
I will tell you what I told my 8 yr old which would be the most relevant to you. I'm not sure what kind of treatment you are getting or how advanced your cancer is. This would obviously change the way you explained things. First let me say that Network of strength has some info on how to talk to your children.
When I was in the process of trying to figure out what surgery to have, for me that was mastectomy, vs bilateral mastectomy (i have significant family history) i involved her in the process. I kept it simple but asked her on several occasions what she thought about the different choices I had. She actually said to me she really appreciated the fact that I cared about her opinion. I ultimately decided on immediate reconstruction for multiple reasons and one of those reasons was I thought it might be less traumatic for the girls. This is a very personal decision with no right answer.
I also was very honest with them regarding what I would be able to do with them after surgery. And I always warned them before chemo that I would be sick for awhile. They were always prepared and expectations were in line with what I was physically capable of doing for them.
Both my 5 yr old and 8 yr old enjoyed helping me around the house giving them a way to help when no one really felt very useful (even the children need to feel like they have control over something)
I did tell them that all of these treatments were being done to give me the best possible chance that the cancer would not come back. After that I waited for them to ask questions. I can tell you the two older ones would come check on me every night to make sure I was still there. They eventuallly assured themselves that I was not going anywhere.

I am so very sorry to hear about your Mom. This does make it more difficult for you as your children have lost their grandmother. I hope that you can tell them that your breast cancer is different, not as advanced, and that you will be around for them. I know how difficult that can be as there were times I wasn't sure I believed that myself.

So, please know you have much support here.... many women here with young shildren who can give you more suggestions and answers to tough questions if that comes up.

Love, prayers, and hugs.

Leslie

[2boysmom]

Hi D

I have 2 sons, 10 and 16 years old. When I was dx last October (3 days before my son's 10th b-day) I waited about 5 days and them I spoke to them separately. I told my 10 year old that I had breast cancer, but that they found it early and that I was going to be OK. Now, of course there is no way of me knowing that for sure, but I thought that was a good way to put it to him. I asked him if he had an questions (he didn't then) and told him that I would ALWAYS be honest with him and that if he had questions that I didn't know the answers to, that I would find out for him. Now, my boys didn't have any prior expereince with BC, so that is a little different situation then yours, but I feel like they will always take your lead and follow whatever demeaner you put forth. I also made sure that I told their teachers/counselors at school so that they could look for any signs of stress, etc. Telling them was the hardest part of this whole ordeal, but I felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off of me afterwards, because just like someone else said, they will sense that something is going on and will fill in the blanks with thoughts that are probably much worse than the reality. I had chemo before surgery, and when it was time for the surgery I just told my son that I was having my boobs cut off so that the cancer was gone. He had a hard time with me going to the hospital, but he did OK. He is my little sweetheart and always asks me how I am feeling and how my doctor appts went. After the surgery he asked me "So your done with cancer now?" That was hard. I still have to do radiation so I told him I was not. I just keep it super simple with him and really try not to get upset in front of him. I did cry a little bit when I told him, but he was still OK. Good Luck to you, please come back and keep us posted on your progress.

xoxo

Laurie

[meames]

I received my diagnosis just over a week ago, have opted for a double-mastectomy and am not sure what to tell my children, ages 9 & 7 about the surgery. My Mom passed away 8 months ago after a two and a half year battle (her second one) with BC and because my kids know that is what she had I am not sure what to tell them about me. I don't think they can understand or differentiate between stages and cure rates and I don't want to scare them - any suggestions?

Hi,

I am sorry you had to find us but know you will receive a great deal of support here. I, too am one of the newer ones and have been welcomed warmly. I have a typically developing 12 year old girl who wanted to read lots about BC following my diagnosis. We found a couple of good young adult books in the library which she found helpful. We read the books together which was nice. Our youngest daughter is a 10 year old on the autism spectrum with behavioral challenges as well. When we told her my diagnosis, her first question was "mom are you going to die like doug?" My response was that I wasn't planning on it but that I would get sicker before I got better. She has asked LOTS of questions which we've answered as honestly and simply as we can. She's most concerned about my losing my hair. I just had a BLM and she's handled it very well. She has asked me if by boobs will grow back. (She's anxiously waiting for hers to grow). I told her no and she was OK with that. Every child is different of course but we've just tried to answer questions as they've come up. Both the girls saw my drains, both have seen what I look like now . . . .

Best of luck to you.

[Pansy]

"D", is is difficult to know what to say to your kids, but at 7 and 9 they can understand if you will tell the whole truth, call it what it is and assure them you will be there to watch them become grandparents. If you start every conversation with I'm going to be fine, but.....(this is going to be difficult, I need your help, etc.), rather than telling them the minimum, they will become more comfortable before long. Also, call the Hotline at 800-221-2141 and the peer counselor who takes you call can help you decide how best to start this dialog and also set up a match for you with another survivor who had young children when she was diagnosed. A great book is "Metu and Lee Learn about Breast Cancer" available at metuandlee.com......Pansy

[Irish BC Warrior]

D,
I'm sorry about your diagnosis but I'm glad you found us. The women here on the NOS are a special gift during a very difficult time. My daughter is a lot older than the rest of the kids that are included in the rest of the responses. I think all the advice I've seen here is stellar and don't have a thing to add about how to tell them.

I do have one thought though . . . I made sure that my daughter had someone to talk to from her place in this tough journey. One of my collegues is a daughter of a BC survivor . . . so, I connected the two of them. There were just things that Michelle (daugher) cold say to Gayle (daught of BC suvivor) that she wouldn't let herself say to me.

So, laideis . . . is there a phone number or a group that these younger kids can reach out to if they have fears but don' want to file it on Mommyu?

["D"]

Thanks to everyone for all the great feedback. I now have my surgery scheduled (8/31) and will talk to my children about that and let them "help" with my recovery.

[Stella66]

Hi, my son is 17 and I thought long and hard about sharing my diagnosis with him. I am a single parent and he is the only child "other than his brothers the cats" . I decided to inform him of the diagnosis and I added, "if I had to choose any form of cancer to battle, I would have chosen this one." my son actually found some relief in those words. I provided him with literature and gave him "some" details, not all. The children will see you after surgery so they know you are going through something. Your children are fairly young so you may want to only share some things with them. You may be surprised at how mature they will become. Let them know that you will have the surgery and be around for a long time, reassure them.

[Swedishbaby]

Hi Dianne,
You have come to a great group of women and I feel you have gotten good help from all of them. I think 2BoysMom had many good suggestions especially about talking to the teachers to watch for any problems in school. My children were all adults but I do have two granddaughters here the ages of your girls and their mother is a nurse practioner and she kept them informed and involved in helping with her care for me. My oldest granddaughter is in Louisiana but she called and asked if I wanted her to spend her Easter break helping me. She is in Nursing at LSU. I had so much help with my daughters here but I wish now I had asked her to come. It would have been a good bonding experience with her and given my daughters a break. My daughters came by regularly and even stayed overnight while I was sleeping in the recliner. On the one hand you hate to be taken care of but on the other hand you really can use the help after surgery. My husband was here all the time but his hearing is bad so he kind of slept through his night to help.Luckily the recliner bit was less than a week and each night was easier.

I guess my advice would be to keep your family involved in your choices and your care. I was not one to involve any neighbors or friends, but that was my choice. Many have been upset that I didn't tell them so they could have helped but I really didn't need the help or want the "pity party". People really don't understand unless they have been through this-probably why I find so many friends on this board.

Love and prayers,
Barbara